Herald Diary: Anyone for a Dominic Cummings takeaway?


    A CERTAIN Dominic Cummings has been mentioned once or twice in the TV news recently. By which we mean he was mentioned once: all day Friday, Saturday and Sunday. And twice: All day Monday and Tuesday. He’s now so famous he may start wearing a long black wig and calling himself Kardashian Sister Number 4.

    Bombarded with such relentless information about Boris Johnson’s top aide, reader Albert Kavanagh turned to his wife and said: “What d’you think of Dominic Cummings?”

    Albert’s wife, who is a little hard of hearing, answered: “A Domino’s pizza’s coming? I didn’t even know we’d ordered.”

    Monstrously drunk

    MIND-READING magic man Colin Cloud has created a virtual show which he claims captures the best of his live act. We’re not convinced about the name of the show: The Cyber Mentalist.

    It sounds rather too much like a Cyberman from Doctor Who heading out on the lash, necking a few bottles of Buckfast tonic wine, then instigating some boozed-up cyber aggro in the late night taxi queue for home.

    Brought to book

    WE recently mentioned the necessity of owning a well-stocked bookcase to sit in front of when participating in Zoom conference calls. According to reader Tim Roberts, owning a bookcase isn’t enough; it must be displayed properly. For instance, the books should never be stacked too neatly. Some should sprawl louchely across the tops of other books, making it appear as though the volumes in question are referenced often.

    Also, certain books should be avoided to gain maximum respect from work colleagues.

    “Don’t hold out hope of promotion if your bookcase is packed with Beano and Dandy Annuals,” points out Tim.

    Hot bother

    “I managed to burn three thousand calories,” boasts reader Martina Kay. With slightly less bombast, she adds: “That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I’m having a snooze.”

    Butchered locks

    IN the 1980s actor and musician Tom Urie bleached his hair blond, attempting to emulate the platinum pizazz of Hollywood star Kiefer Sutherland. It didn’t come off as intended. “I looked like Pat Butcher,” sighs Tom.

    Harry’s number’s up

    PRINCE William and Kate Middleton recently had a go at being bingo callers. We continue devising alternative number call-outs for them to try. Mick Doyle suggests: “Fifty-four, of Harry and Meghan, we don’t wanna hear no more.”

    Elliptical enigma

    STATISTICAL analysis from reader Ed Barker, who tells us: “There are two types of people in this world. 1) Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

    Blindly obvious

    GOOFY gag time. “What do you call a fish with no eyes?” asks Pete Evans. “Fsh.”

    Read more: Those were the days

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